Doing things alone.
Life is big and time is short. Do things alone.
I am afraid of being alone.
But lately, that’s all I’ve been.
Not on purpose. Through a series of accidents, wrong turns, and things coming together and falling apart at the most inconvenient time, I ended up with more disposable time on my hands than I was used to.
I initially filled the void by going out, running around bars, and uncharacteristically spending way too much money on drinks, Ubers and bad decisions.
Very quickly, the reality of not having a ton of people to do things with set in. I have wonderful, supportive friends. I have a family. If I really want to do something with someone, I have options.
But quite frankly, things are not as they once were. Five years ago, I was 20, in university, and living with roommates on an island. Most of the people around me were in a similar mindset, same life stage, and looking for opportunities & experiences that I was also wanting. It made finding community, connecting with friends, and trying new things really easy.
Life looked like staying up until 3 a.m. to make last minute Grinch costumes with friends, sitting in someone’s driveway after a Costco run & chatting about the best gift we ever received (mine was a pumpkin cheesecake), going on day trips to secret beaches in the middle of the week, adopting the weird hobbies of a guy that you met through your roommate, and tagging along with a distant friend group to underground bars that host 80s themed club nights once a month.
All of these exciting, weird and wonderful experiences were the indie movie version of a twenty something in their college years, experimenting with the art of adult hood, and somehow, I was lucky enough that this was what reality was for a while.
That was a few years ago. Things are different now. All those people from that time have moved on, started careers, found partners, live in new cities, drink oat milk, and have settled into a different pace of life. Circles have grown smaller, friends check their calendars before they commit to plans, and often, the day comes and someone has double booked themselves, or is catching up on the endless list of errands or frankly, is just too tired and would rather cancel. I'm included in this.
I've realized that life is big and time is short. There are a lot of experiences that I would like to have, some are simple, and some are complicated. But if the prerequisite for doing things is having someone to go with always - there are a lot of hopes that will die a fast death.
I have a bad habit of “saving” experiences for the right time, or the right person, or the right situation and circumstances. I decided to step out of character and instead of waiting for other people, I’d just go by myself.
“Maria, these walls were not meant to shut out problems. You have to face them. You have to live the life you were born to live…” or something like that. - Mother Abbess
I really wanted to go see The Sound of Music. The Stanley Industrial Alliance Theatre in Vancouver was running a live production of it in November and December. I happened to drive by on a random Tuesday night in mid December and saw the marquee.
It was late notice, tickets were expensive and there weren't many groups of seats left but there WERE plenty of single tickets still on sale. Why not?
Ok, great question. I thought it was going to be easy to go to the theatre by myself. I bought tickets for a Friday night performance, with a plan to get fully ready, go out to dinner by myself and then head over to the venue.
That did not happen. Doing things alone is scary, and it's even scarier when you're not in the right frame of mind for this type of thing.
I was not in the right frame of mind.
I am trying many new things, and some days I am very bright and happy about it, but there are an equal amount of days where I am not. It's easy to film a 10 second clip that makes it seem like the opposite or to edit footage and words together to create something that doesn't exist.
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I got myself to the Stanley feeling all kinds of emo. I was lonely driving over, feeling a bit self conscious, and I guess in some ways I felt like an isolated loser. Truth be told, I was also a bit sad. My motivation for going alone was to become more comfortable with the idea of it, and allow myself to get out and start things even if I didn’t have a plus one or friend group.
However, as I was experimenting with it, I realized that challenging my idea of what fulfillment is was deeply uncomfortable.
Don’t get me wrong: I can do menial, regular-life things alone. I can go to the grocery store, I can watch a Netflix series alone (in fact, I prefer it), I can go to the mall, I can gym alone and I can go to the beach. But what’s hard for me is being by myself & enjoying things that I typically associate with friends, partners, family, and community.
I’ve spent years deeply investing in the idea that to have a good life, filled with interesting and exciting moments, I must have affection, companionship, approval and participation from other people. Maybe that’s true to some extent, but I’m learning that even if you don’t have all those things consistently, life isn’t worthless and a fun moment isn’t void just because you don’t have anyone but yourself.
I was nervous as I walked through the lobby and went upstairs to the balcony to find my seat. I felt a bit self-conscious as I told the nice couple next to me that the single aisle seat next to them, that I'm sure they assumed would be empty, was actually mine.
But I sat down, the show started, and I regretted nothing. It was 100% worth it. During intermission, I went to the drug store on the corner and bought salt & vinegar chips, parked myself on a bench in the street and watched cars drive by. It was fun.
I would do something like this 10 times over. In fact, I will be going to see more live theatre and musicals by myself in the future. It was one of the nicest things that I’ve done in a long time, and all isolation melted away as soon as the lights dimmed and the orchestra started playing the opening chords of the Sound of Music.
The honest truth is, once I was sitting with hundreds of people who were all enjoying the same art that I was, I didn’t feel alone. I actually felt an abundance of belonging, awe and appreciation for the shared moment with a bunch of strangers. I guess you could call it the opposite of loneliness. I’d like to feel that way more often.
Where is it? idk. Who’s playing? idk. Why are you going alone? idk.
I decided to go to a Sofar Sounds show by myself.
What is Sofar?
CliffsNotes version: Sofar Sounds hosts concerts in unexpected spaces with unannounced artists around the world, and was created based on the belief that music, local art and community are synonymous. They have collaborated with artists like Billie Eilish, Leon Bridges, Jack Harlowe, James Bay, Omar Apollo, Charli XCX, and Ed Sheeran before they became household names.
I have wanted to go to a Sofar concert for a few years. Like I said, I tend to “save” experiences for the “right” time, so I was waiting for the perfect person, and the perfect occasion and the perfect everything to pull the trigger and go.
Well, not anymore. In a brief moment of bravery, I bought a single ticket to their last show of the year, New Years’ Eve Eve. I didn't know the artists or the venue, but I was feeling pretty confident about it, especially after seeing the Sound of Music.
Everything seems like a good idea until it's actually happening. As I sat in the car, parked at some random cross street in Downtown Vancouver outside the brewery that was hosting the concert after-hours, I suddenly panicked. This was NOT like the Sound of Music.
I had felt mostly okay up until this point, but then I realized that I was about to walk into a full room of people that were my age, sitting on the floor, in couples and friend groups, and I had none of that. These were my peers, people that I'd rather belong to than not, but there I was, setting myself up for complete & total social rejection.
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The space was….intimate. Everyone in the room would know that I was by myself. What would they think? Would they think that I had no one to be with on New Years’ Eve Eve? Would they assume that I was weird and that there must be something wrong with me to be alone at a small, local concert?
I felt like I was the new kid on my first day of high school in a new city, where everyone had someone to stand with at lunch time and I had no one so I just walked around by myself, hoping that time would move faster.
Despite being urged by the organizers to go sit in the front (!!!) I stood in the back corner, by the washrooms, observing. I tried to look busy so I texted my friend/collaborator/bully Ryden. He has been in similar situations while backpacking Europe and Asia, so he had some words for me, and we debriefed the next day as well.
At no point did I sit down, and I am not ashamed to admit that during every intermission, I hid in the bathroom because I had no one to talk to. But that's okay. Baby steps.
I did make a friend, which was an unexpected and pleasant surprise. Elie works for Sofar, and told me about his background as a journalist, his creative projects and his work. He recommended The Prophet to me, and as we talked about our careers, he left me with this golden one liner: "Work is love made visible."
He's also subscribed to this newsletter, so thanks Elie for being so warm & welcoming to the weird, anxious girl lingering in the back of the room.
Sofar is built on the idea of community, so although all my anxieties disappeared once the music began and I really enjoyed the three artists, Bukola, Laus and Mauvey, I wouldn't do this one again solo. Some things are special because they’re shared and I think live music is one of those things. I will be going to more Sofar shows, but I'll be bringing a +1 next time.
Closing Time
I’ve been doing other activities alone, like going to the aquarium, ice skating, dining out, wandering around museums, sitting in parks, biking, snowboarding and a bunch of little things that make every day feel like a bit of a vacation.
I won’t bore you with a breakdown of every single moment but I will say this:
I have never pictured an adult life without a wide circle of friends, a big, supportive family living close by, and a caring & attentive partner that is always down to be out & about.
I have subconsciously played into the belief that the world is not built for people that are alone, and all my actions, decisions and compromises have been made to avoid being left behind, by myself. The story that I have repeated up until this point was one where I could never be on my own, and good things could only be truly experienced & enjoyed when it was shared with someone else. I’m wrong.
The absence of people is not a personal failure. It’s unfair to expect anyone to fill the gaps within you, to make up for what you have or don’t, to become the thing that holds you together and to be the prerequisite to your wildest hopes, aspirations, goals, or simplest pleasures. That’s not their work, it’s yours.
I've realized it's time to start imagining a new, different story of what life could be. I might still have all the things that I idealized, or maybe I won't, but the point still stands. Being alone is a different experience, but it is still beautiful.
Thanks for being here. It means so much.
If you’re looking to try something new, do something by yourself that makes you a bit nervous. Pick something that you would usually only do with other people, and that you wouldn’t typically opt for as a solo activity. Once you do it, you’ll realize that everything on the list of things you hope to get to someday can happen much sooner, with or without company.
Also! Let’s be friends. If you aren’t already subscribed, I would be very excited to write you a love letter every once in a while. You can opt in to this newsletter below and my antics will be sent straight to your inbox a few times a month.
No pressure though. I’m just happy you’re here.
Until next time,
C
P.S. If you have anything you think I should try, let me know.
Thank you for your kind words 💚
Being normal is boaring, being weird is awesmoe!
Here is another line for you: 'Be yourself, everyone else is taken'